Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The Biggest Mistake Men Make

To the surprise of absolutely no one, men around the world screwed up again. Normally, I don’t need to point that out. That’s what wives and mothers are for. But this time the usual chorus of naggers overlooked a critical faux pas: Every man on the planet puts his wallet in the wrong spot. For some unknown reason, guys universally keep their money, credit cards, and driver’s licenses in the back pockets of their pants, even though it makes far more sense to use the front ones. Yes, I realize there’s no wallet law or International Council on Billfold Placement, despite my lobbying for both. My congressman doesn’t take my calls anymore. It’s like he has something better to do at 3 a.m. But even without an oversight body, simple logic dictates that men should move their important documents to a place where they don’t fart on them all day. I have no idea why I’m the first one to think of that. I’m either brilliant or abnormally gassy.

The only acceptable use for rear pockets is as a handle if I needs to pull someone out of quicksand.

Since the invention of pants sometime in early 1982, men who put wallets in their back pockets have wasted trillions of man-hours, fallen victim to millions of thefts, and suffered countless sitting-related injuries. The fact that most guys use their back pockets doesn’t make it any less wrong. A few thousand years ago, everyone thought the earth was flat. Today, millions of people eat mayonnaise by choice. Clearly, just because lots of people do something doesn’t make it right. Wallets should go in the front and only the front. As for those garments that don’t have forward-facing pockets, men shouldn’t wear them in the first place because they’re probably yoga pants. Guys everywhere must unite to end back-pocket wallet placement once and for all. Here are six reasons why the survival of our species depends on it:

Back-pocket wallets make everyone’s butts look funny.
Every time a dude slips a wallet into his back pocket, he looks like he has a huge, rectangular tumor on his butt cheek. That was a perk long ago when men used paper money to attract mates. Back then, a huge bulge meant lots of cash, which was the only sure way to win a woman’s heart. But in the era of credit cards, all an oversized lump shows is that a man is hopelessly confused by digital currency. It’s safe to assume he still uses AOL and owns at least one butter churn. Maybe the girls at the strip club are impressed he has $40 in singles, but sophisticated ladies want plastic. Back-pocket wallets are a sex-repellent that could potentially halt all human reproduction. Forcing men to switch pockets seems like a small price to pay to avoid extinction.

The back-pocket wallet trend causes many real square butt tumors to go undiagnosed. (Photo by Sonia Sevilla)

Back pockets are tragically undersized.
Whoever decided men should jam their wallets in the smallest pockets on their pants definitely worked for a jeans company. The front pocket could easily accommodate a wallet with room to spare, but some clever lobbyist convinced people to use the back one, which barely has enough room to hold oxygen. Even a normal-sized wallet stretches the rear pocket to the breaking point. One false move and that fabric will tear, resulting in the catastrophic loss of everything inside it. Standard pants don’t come with a pocket failure alarm system, so an unsuspecting man could travel for miles before he realized he lost everything that proved he existed. In the best-case scenario, someone would steal his ID and ruin his credit, and in the worst case, the pocket blowout victim would be mistaken for a foreign spy and get shipped off to a secret prison. It happens all the time. In that tragic situation, even those who avoided incarceration would still have to buy new pants, which would mean more money in the jeans companies’ pockets - presumably the front ones since the people who make the pants know better.

The only upside to a false conviction is prison jumpsuits don’t have back pockets. (Photo by Victor Grigas)

Men sit on their back pockets.
Maybe this isn’t an issue for guys who sit bolt upright like they’re constipated at a formal tea party, but for normal human beings who slouch, back-pocket wallets always end up under their butt cheeks when they take a seat. That’s uncomfortable for men and damaging for furniture. Leave it to dudes to not think of the upholstery. Men who sit on their wallets appear slightly lopsided, which is yet another turnoff for the ladies. Believe it or not, women aren’t into the hunchback look. Potential sex partners aren’t the only ones who are disgusted. Cashiers don’t want to handle a credit card from some guy who sat on it like he was trying to hatch an egg. There’s a reason there aren’t any candles scented like butt fumes.

The back pocket is a bullseye for criminals.
Call me old fashioned, but I like to make potential felons work for my money. Instead of advertising my wealth to the world with a huge bulge in a spot where everyone but me can see it, I put my money in my front pocket where I can keep an eye on it. In addition to being in my line of sight, the front pockets are also deeper. A thief would have to be very determined and subtle to reach into that sensitive area, at which point he’d blur the line between a crime and a romantic encounter. Even if he didn’t get my wallet, he’d probably earn my phone number. That’s not such a bad trade-off.

It’s harder for a man to reach his own wallet back there.
This isn’t a problem for the young and spry, but at my age, the less I have to rotate my joints, the better. I don’t want a life-altering shoulder tear when I pull out my ID at the liquor store. The only way the back pocket could be more inconvenient is if it was directly between my shoulder blades. I better not give the jeans companies any ideas.

A back-pocket wallet doesn’t protect anything vital.
Like most well-adjusted adults, I spend a large part of my day wondering what would happen if I got hit by a stray bullet. A random round to the butt wouldn’t be fatal because I have a protective layer of fat. It turns out all those Cheetos could save my life. My front side is vulnerable, however, unless I protect it with a wallet. My forward-most pockets are directly over vital arteries. If I was struck in one of those spots, a thick wallet could stop the bullet with ease. That’s why I keep all my receipts in there. When layered together, those things are like Kevlar. I should tell the army.


Even though my arguments are irrefutable, I’m a realist. I know men never change unless someone threatens to cut them off from sex. As workaround, I propose the world should outlaw back pockets. Without them, men would immediately experience the life-changing benefits of placing their wallets in a spot that makes sense. Eliminating the back pockets would also reduce how much fabric it takes to make pants, thereby allowing farmers to grow less cotton and more food. That simple change would make clothing cheaper and eliminate hunger overnight. There’s absolutely no downside to this plan. It’s time to eliminate back pockets once and for all. The continuation of our species depends on it.
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